Islam requires love and respect towards parents but warns against over-attachment. Read up on the guidelines to encourage detachment in a positive light.
Every parent wishes for their children to be close to them – physically, emotionally and spiritually. However, over-protectiveness of children at any age has led to findings of stunted development; dipping self-esteems; and that initiative and independence are not common traits of children who are kept in gilded cages.
Parents who believe that their children are at risk when stepping out of the family home, no matter where, how and when and taking pro-active action to safeguard them from the evils of the world does constitute to having their learning curves stifled.
Keeping that borderless intimacy between parent and child can effectively lead to a subconscious effort of the latter, harbouring an apparent inability to detach him or herself from his or her mother’s womb. The child, even as a grown-up, is not encouraged to strive for personal betterment and develops unhealthy symptoms such as poor decision-making, inability to form opinions and a general lackadaisical attitude towards personal advancement.
Even a mild oedipal complex may develop. A son, who is overly attached to his mother, may find conflict in his marital life when he is unable to provide his wife’s rights over his mother’s. Similarly, a daughter who relies heavily on her family, without freedom of thought, may not respect her husband as an independent person of her new family. This may be the case if these children do develop and inkling for marriage in the first place.
How does Islam teach Muslims to overcome, yet better still, avoid these behavioural patterns from developing?
Say ‘O, my Lord! Advance me in knowledge’. (Taha: 114)
Education is the best cure for ignorance and also the catalyst for self-development. It is mandatory for every Muslim to seek knowledge – and seeking knowledge is not only limited to text books and school. Any little trait, hobby, language or culture is knowledge in itself.
Insisting that children pursue their studies to highest level of their interest is commended in Islam as it fulfills one of the many Muslim children’s rights upon their parents.
By allowing children to learn and grow with proper guidance and attention, confidence and independence to excel become traits of norm.
O youth! Whoever amongst you is able to marry, let him marry… (reported by Ibn Mas’ud)
Marriage in Islam is not seen as a contract that binds two people down and curbs their progress to learn. Marriage is very much part of life and worship providing avenues for married couples to develop amiable traits such as respect, consideration, honestly, affection, partnership and even team work.
As marriage develops, couples find themselves picking up on parenting skills that are required to deal with their own children. Their carefree, somewhat irresponsible lives turn into a world that revolves around the needs, whims and fancies of an infant, for whom, they have to take full responsibility.
Caring for their own children allows parents to emotionally depart from the “womb,” but at the same time encourages them to appreciate their parents’ sacrifices throughout their lives.
Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath men the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. (An-Nisa': 34)
The husband is seen as the head of the household. He is responsible for smart-decision making, ensuring then his family members are not compromised, according to Islamic principles. Accordingly, he is fully responsible for financial undertakings in the household and has many obligations towards his wife in this respect.
A husband is required to provide adequate living arrangements for his wife, of her own, clothing, medical facilities and educational fees, according to his level of income. This requirement effectively turns himself away from relying heavily on his parents and he is obliged to take care of his wife as she being her own person.
A wife on the other hand is obedient to her husband, as long as he does not contradict Islamic principles.
The bond between husband and wife acts as a basis for building a new family unit. Though couples continue to love and respect both their parents and in-laws, an Islamic marriage requires them to tend to their spouse’s rights in equity.
Muslim couples are also warned not to compare their spouses with their parent of the same gender. This prohibition is meant to curb ill-feelings towards in-laws; the sense of belittlement; and incestuous innuendoes – also curtailing any mild inclinations towards the oedipal complex.
The in-laws are death (Bukhari & Muslim)
Obviously, this relates both to a person’s parents and spouse’s parents as either family are in-laws to either one of the married couple.
It is not a secret that overly-biased preference towards parents or meddlesome in-laws can strain a marriage. The fact that Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) announced that in-laws are death is a severe warning that though in-laws should be treated with love and respect, there are limitations to the relationship one has with them.
A married couple must observe their privacy at all times, avoiding arguments that may arise from simple clashes of opinions or personal interests. With this, it is at best that living arrangements are kept separate, save for the consideration where parents attain old-age and require full-time care.
Detachment in a positive light
Allowing children to develop by not stifling their abilities or being imposing your own opinions upon them should be seen in a positive light. Confidence and independence are traits required for everyone to survive in the real world. Islam has requested for followers of its faith, a thirst for knowledge and marriage in accordance to Islamic principles.
A certain amount of detachment from their family is required for an individual to develop and grow. It does not mean discarding your children nor does it entail disrespect for parents. Leaving the family home is part of life as a seed of growth – it makes room for confidence and independence, encouraging a healthy outlook on life.
